• Tina Hill

Dear Mom

Updated: Sep 15


With all the growing, learning, and life experiences I've been through..I'm realizing that you and everyone else I'm close to never really taught me how to deal with grief. But you especially..because you've been through this, should have prepared me. We've always been open with eachother, conversation wise..so why?? There are so many emotions we deal with on the daily: happiness, anger, confusion..I'm living that one often, but grief..that emotion..that's the one that kicks you right in the ass. It's a sucker punch. You should have prepared me. This isn't fair.

I didn't see this coming. When you died, you sucker punched me. It's not fair and I'm really mad about it. I'm pretty sure you knew for months that your end was coming. Why didn't you tell me? Prepare me!


Okay. I'm in a better headspace today. Taking a sleeping pill is a godsend. I'm spacing them out..but you know you're on my mind nonstop at nite. This brain of mine keeps racing. All the things that went unsaid. All the time I wish I could get back. I just wish I had made my December visit a longer one. I wish I hadn't dragged you around shopping, unnecessarily. I mean..what was the point. If you were just honest and said...I AM NOT GOING TO BE AROUND MUCH LONGER...CAN WE JUST SIT AND BE STILL!!! I would have been fine with that.

Mornings are good for these talks with you. Sure I'm a mess and my eyes are full of tears now, but nite time is just too difficult. Dinner, then all of Ryan's marketing, which I'm obsessed with. It's interesting..you were sooo artsy and hand on with crafts. I'm that way with marketing and seeing things thru. I really enjoy that part of the creative process. And, of course, I know how the creative mind works. It just wants to create and not worry about all the backend crap. Who knew that Kidzsack would prepare me for off of this?? But, it did indeed. You would be so proud of Ryan. He dedicated his new book in your honor. I wish you could have known that. Anyway..back to work now. I miss you.

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